Completely Random Funny Quotes

  1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
    passengers in his car."
    –Author Unknown

  2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
    get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
    –Author Unknown

  3. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
    There’s a support group for that.
    It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
    –Drew Carey

  4. “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
    not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
    drop them off at the wrong house.”
    –Jeff Foxworthy

  5. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
    and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the
    infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
    –Dave Barry

  6. “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and
    we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
    wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
    There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp.”
    –Bob Ettinger

  7. “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
    her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
    ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
    –Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

  1. “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…
    I could be eating a slow learner.”
    –Lynda Montgomery

  2. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime
    and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.
    Let’s go west.’”
    –Richard Jeni

  3. “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead.”
    –Johnny Carson

  4. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
    –Paul Rodriguez

  5. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida ,
    but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
    –Jerry Seinfeld

  6. “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
    case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
    from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
    What, do tall people burn slower?”
    –Warren Hutcherson

  7. “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same.”
    –Oscar Wilde

  8. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
    member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”
    –Mark Twain

  9. “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
    At least they can find Afghanistan .”
    –A. Whitney Brown

  10. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
    and the dog will give you a look that says,
    ‘My God, you’re right!
    I never would’ve thought of that!’”
    –Dave Barry

  11. Do you know why they call it “PMS”?
    Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
    –Unknown, presumed deceased

  12. “Everybody’s got to believe in something.
    I believe I’ll have another beer.”

  • W. C. Fields
    And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English


My Point Exactly!!!

Haha. Some of those were good. <3 Jeff Foxworthy. Ron White has some really good ones too.
Oh and that one about Florida? Priceless.

I uh… I would catch the fly ball. Haha. My bad…

Seaworld has a Seafood restraunt because Fish eat other Fish.  :smiley:  And whales eat fish too, and whales are mammals, as are we. 

Hooray late night logic!